#before my therapy appt

[dixiedingo]

Tarot cards gave me a go ahead on being cute and flirting with him more this time oh god oh fuck

[izzy-b-hands]

I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs

(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)

That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)

[naamahdarling]

.

[pawjamas]

begonias acquired at the farmer’s market !! 🤍

[toytulini]

reeeeeeally wish. it didnt feel. like the needs of my body vs the needs of my brain were actively in fucking conflict with each other in a way that makes it impossible to function or exist

[jewishbuckley]

"was there a reason you didn't cancel this" honestly I thought I had so no there wasn't a reason but also if clients are going to have Your personal number and reach out to You about canceling (when they Should be reaching out via email per our cancelation policy) then You should be canceling the appt anyway imo. all the other trainers cancel their appointments AND add their appointments to the system 🤪

[natjennie]

I don't feel goooood :(

[prozac-shaped-urn]

fosca screaming finally makes sense

fosca shut down emotionally. that's when she became 'ugly.' she stopped being vital and feeling alive. but she has a vivid inner life.

it's the exploration of someone who's been labelled unattractive but has this rich emotional life. who loves so fully and so completely, and who says things that are difficult to hear -- and you don't really want to hear what she has to say because she makes sense, she's saying it in circumstances that seem selfishly motivated on her part -- but she makes point.

she is emotionally unedited. she doesn't make choices based on what will seem attractive or palatable. she just is and lives and lets her emotions fly.

"i'm wanna crack you open" -- richard avedon to donna as fosca. if fosca had, over the years, been cracked open as much as donna was in that photo session, fosca wouldn't have been ill in the way that she was. when you sit on your feelings and don't allow a release, you can make yourself sick in many ways.

she's cONFRONTING THE FUCKING DEMONS -- ones inside herself and ones she envisions outside of herself, and society.

fosca has a primal scream inside of her. and it came out.

thANK YOU DONNA JEANNE MURPHY FOR PINPOINTING WHY I RELATE TO FOSCA SCREAMING

[galactichelium]

I will not do the exercises given to me by my physio, whether that be because I forgot or I'm having executive dysfunction, and then be like "Man why am I in so much pain?"

[3gremlins]

i hate that my brain treats "fun thing scheduled" the same as "not so fun thing scheduled" . like its entire response is to be stressed/make sure everyone has a bad time leading up to the thing regardless of how fun/not fun it will be.

(i am not even an introvert! i like people! i like doing things! i don't even really mind being at less fun things like doctor's appointments! usually once i'm actually *at* an event, i'm absolutely calm. it's just the before. my brain just hates scheduled events and punishes me for making them)

[clippy]

me when my disabilities are disabling

[maraeffect]

past couple weeks have been hard.... been struggling to wash my face and brush my teeth (especially bc my mouth is practically torn to shreds rn and everything hurts). BUT. today i was able to do some cleaning, take a long warm shower for my joints, brush my teeth gently, do my skincare, etc ❤️‍🩹 im EXHAUSTED now, and it's gonna suck to wake up early the next 2 days when i can hardly get up before noon... but i'm done with a lot of the big stuff ❤️‍🩹

[larnax]

i was gonna make a joke about it but uhhh yeah my dad lost his job. my stepmoms covering our utilities but i no longer have any kind of insurance so all my ongoing medical stuff is either gonna get cut off in a month or is already cut off. including stuff like HRT & sleep meds. so thats bad.

[izzy-b-hands]

finally broke into one of my new syringes (still have some old ones, but figured hey i should try them for this shot)

Tw for bitching abt medical shit/my injs below the cut

and i just. why is my doc intentionally making this harder. I ask for 3ml syringes bc it's what im used to and know how to draw up. She agreed to that, so i never checked my new ones bc why should i? she listened, she sent in for 3mls, right?

NOPE. fucking 1 ml which means figuring out the draw up has required online searching to make sure it's right, and bonus! everything I've found doesn't recommend it for T bc it's such a slow inj to begin with, and 'many feel it takes longer to inject in smaller syringes designed mainly for IV use, which lessens compliance with injection schedules in some'

And i hate how it looks. it looks like so much more, and i know that's stupid bc it isn't, it's the same amount as usual, but the sight of it is v much involved in me getting my injs done with my fear of needles. I know, again, I KNOW planned parenthood is dealing with not enough funding, hands on staff, etc, but does that really prevent you from listening to your patient and trying to help them with shit like this? bc i don't think it should. I'm still forever grateful they've been helping me keep my T going until I find a primary care doc, but at the same time...what the fuck? I said this would be an issue, and i need to stay with my usual supplies. If that was an issue for them, i was willing to buy syringes myself from the medical gear shop I've used for extra supplies before (that will ship out here, I've checked.) Why won't she just fucking. listen, and talk to me? if all she could do was 1 ml syringes, fine, BUT FUCKING TELL ME THAT BEFORE SO I CAN JUST BUY MY OWN

Like. I will get this done. ill use these crap syringes up bc I refuse to waste them.

But now I'm overly nervous and worried im gonna fuck it up with the new syringe, or that it will hurt more or take even longer to inject than usual, so my hands are too shaky to do it! im already a day late with it, and I'd bet ten bucks I wont be able to calm myself enough to do it until tomorrow. Yes, this is also autism bs of needing things the same but like. I've had to do a lot of adjusting since last year, and have made efforts to accept changes and sporadic things. it's been hard as fuck, but I've fucking done it. so why can't i have one fucking thing like this stay the same? just my inj supplies, that's it! I'll accept and deal with other changes but for fuck's sake, she KNOWS I'm nervous abt fucking up my injections (bc i always want them to go well so i get as much med in me as i can, with minimal tracking out after it), why the fuck wouldn't she at least tell me if she was limited in syringes/what she can rx?

Why don't docs listen when i talk, and why won't they just talk and be honest with me like a fucking adult. is that honestly so fucking difficult?

Apparently so 🙃

[bogglebabbles]

Today's either going to be boring (Saturday, so no meetings) or very hectic (Saturday, so fewer leads on the supervisor line) and I'm not looking forward to it.

[music-for-them-asses]

The laproscopic surgeon's office called and left a voice mail this afternoon and I was like. Nope! Not gonna deal with this atm! Because I can't!!